If we can avoid massive collective issues that would be appreciated as there is very little agency the individual has to address those and that helpless ess can often extend to the more solvable individual matters we all grapple with but also occasionally rise to conquer.
Narcissists at work. Seriously. Manipulative fucks who are ladder climbing and have little interest in the field. They make my life harder. I currently have to deal with one at work and I know many more are up ahead. How do you handle someone who basically shows classic signs of narcissism, and controlling and toxic behavior, especially when the person themselves are not in the slightest open to the idea of changing or being wrong or seeking help.
I’ve tried setting boundaries, being nice, being sneaky, being absent/avoidant and nothing seems to work. This person has chosen me for some reason to be their pet or something and they get angry when I sway from the script (which is the case on a daily basis).
Malignant compliance maybe? I had a boss who kept nagging me about stuff she didn’t even know how to do so I decided to give her my undivided absolute attention calling her every time I was going to do somehing, every time while I was doing it, every time after completing the task and so on.
I did this for a while and only as a last resort because I was fed up with her attitude. It worked like a charm! Lol
I think that could be a helpful trick. I noticed someone else in our office did that to that person and this person got quite uncomfortable. :)
Cool! Just remember to use it sparingly and not let it become part of your personality.
“Either they leave or I leave” would be setting a boundary. Get some other people on your side in it.
What’s the script? What happens if you just… Don’t? (Really, the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore them)
The script is that I am poor and helpless and need thei constant advice and directions to function.
Ignoring them makes them angry. Several times I tried to ignore something and get distance but it always increases their desire to “check” me and make sure I’m okay and in-script. So avoiding or ignoreing them exacerbates this. :(
Just something to keep in mind. If someone is a dick to you, abusive or ruthless, or just hurtful… 90% of the time, it’s not you. It’s them. There is something broken in them that makes them mean, and needing to hurt. They are malfunctioning.
The last 10% of the time… Own it and work hard to fix it…
But hurtful people hurt, not because of you, but because they are damaged and want to hurt people, and that’s wrong.
Thank you for these words. When my ordeal began, it was hard to realize this straightout because that person looks and acts totally normal, except for the many microagression. They seem obsessed with how others perceive them, so their pristine image and me being a newcomer made me constantly blame myself until that slowly faded a bit each day as I came to realize the absolutely wise words you just typed above.