As a guy, I never really felt comfortable saying those things to anyone irl.
The older I get, the more I realize that opening up makes things worse.
Same. Especially significant others (length of relationship doesn’t matter) it actively makes things worse. So I keep them to myself.
I am so very sorry you have to live like this.
In general, reading a lot of these comments in this thread is just heartbreaking.
I really think this is a cultural thing in part. I live in a progressive social democracy in Europe, and I really don’t think many see it like most people here do. I asked a couple of the more traditionally masculine/male friends and they tell me the share everything too, that they need it in a relationship especially, since they do hold stuff in from others apparently. But the very closest ones, friends and spouses that is, they need to lighten the load. And I recognize that too. Shit’s too heavy to carry alone.
Gay cis male
When around my boomer parents: Fuck no
When around my friends: Hell yeah! Some of the straight guys use me as a sounding board for their emotions, since they know I’m not going to judge them.
As a guy who’s half European and half Arabian, no I don’t feel comfortable expressing emotions or feelings. Each time I have done that, I get shit for it back.
“Man up”, “that’s just life” and “I know you’ll push through it”. Is what I hear. They rather have me be aggressive than to be emotional more often than not. While I’m trying to get rid of my anger issues.
So instead of expressing emotions, I just put it all in a diary. Never thought I’d be using one but it truly helps.
Relatable; as guy who grew up in a Chinese household, I always get told: “男子漢大丈夫，流血不流淚” (Think it translates to: True men can let their blood bleed and will not shred their tears… ?)
So that how I got interested in writing poetry and listening to music… very emotional and sometimes outright depressing music
Relatable; as a guy who grew up in a US Midwest WASP household, I always got told to man up, be strong, fight back, and if someone hurts your feelings it’s 100% your fault for letting them.
I was on this planet almost 4 decades before I finally got therapy and learned how important it is for humans to talk about their feelings.
It’s still unnatural and hard but at least I know how to do it now and it doesn’t eat me up inside and make for random angry outbursts.
Seriously, by default males should get emotional counseling in school as a preventative measure.
I always got told to man up, be strong, fight back
I was tired of getting bullied so I took it literally.
I fought in self-defence and ended up in the local police station for a few hours
ACAB btw
Not sure if my mom got prouder at me for standing up for myself or got mad for “causing trouble”. She did get very defensive on behalf of me when the verbal confrontation with the school staff happened during the parent-teacher discussion thing, and in the juvenile court system.
I think I might have mommy issues…
Seriously, by default males should get emotional counseling in school as a preventative measure.
I probably needed that. Stupid racist bully wasted me so much time.
But then again maybe this result is actually a good thing, cuz the next time they see an Asian they want to harass, they’d think twice before trying anything.
My father taught martial arts
I was in middle school when I got bullied for being a shy introverted bookish geeky nerd. Bully ended up getting thrown in a damn good (if I may say so) Ippon seoi nage. Looked impressive AF to onlookers & freaked him out.
I wasn’t actually any good I got super lucky but after that people decided I “know karate shit” and kept away
When people tell men “you can tell me anything” what they mean is “I don’t want to feel like you’re keeping things from me.”
It 100% does NOT mean “you will face no negative consequences for telling me.”
Men keep some things to themselves because sharing feelings has resulted in getting burned too many times.
These things aren’t necessarily bad. They might just shatter exciting illusions the other person prefered over the ordinary truth.
I think I’m emotionally stunted from years of repressing my feelings. I don’t feel that strongly about most things. A lot of people will comment about how stoic and quiet I am, but it’s not like there’s really too much to express. When I am “upset”, it’s usually because I’m exhausted or hungry.
That being said, in times of catastrophic events (deaths, break ups, etc), I might get upset. But I tend to be very good at expressing myself with words. I take my time and choose them carefully, so much so that sometimes other people will think that im being silent; im not, I’m thinking about all the ways this could play out depending on what I say.
Crying only happens quietly, to myself, maybe once a year, and usually because of some dumb kids movie that gets to me. I think the last one was Puss in Boots: The Last Wish.
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I think its a maturity thing for guys. My gym buddies and I were talking about mental health a while back and I said “I was on meds for a while because I had an irrational sense that life wasnt worth living. A year later on the meds I was fat, unmotivated and had erectile dysfunction and I was like ‘Great, now I have legitimate reasons to think about killing myself’ so I came off the pills.”
The 20 somethings all looked super fucking uncomfortable, the thirty somethings nodded and made sympathetic faces and the other 40+ guy said “How are you doing with it these days?” Of course I immediately deflected and said “Oh its hard as a rock” which got the laugh and broke the tension. But the only guy who didnt duck the conversation was the guy of a similar age who had a rough divorce years before I knew him…
I’m from EU. I’ve noticed that the maturing and openness is related to not being under the influence of USA culture (social media, tv, movies, etc). As in - the open, expressive, thinking guys in my bubble happen to be not watching TV, social medias, youtube and such.
I tell my family I love them, I tell my best friends I love them, I hug people I care about, I tell them I miss them, they’ve seen me cry. It doesn’t make me feel any less of a man. If somebody says it does, they aren’t somebody I want to close with. Fuck em.
I wish I could be you, and I have a dear friend who is as liberal with his truth.
I worry so many of us suffered unintentional neglect during times of crises - divorces, poverty-driven migration, etc - because everyone had to cope and keep working and was exhausted in the rebuild, that we aren’t as free with our feelings as we should be because we didn’t see or get the practice.
And poor people don’t get professional help to course-correct since they’re barely food-secure.
But you’re awesome. And every time I see a grown-ass man displaying physical parental affection for his child - a kiss, a hug, snuggling a sleepy babeh, all that - I know that child has amazing potential to express his/her own affection without so much reservation.
It’s a good trend. Keep it up.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Sometimes it has to be introduced slowly and with compassion, sometimes it has to be radical as it can be urgent. Even in African villages where men are committing suicide, they create safe spaces to talk about their feelings. (I think this is one of the videos on the topic - can’t watch it due to age gate).
It’s not easy and everybody’s path is different. If you can’t find somebody locally (friend(s) or therapist), you can start online. It helped me too. But always try and stay critical. Many self-help groups for me are taken over by right-wingers who say “you can be yourself here”, make men feel safe and then give them a scapegoat (immigrants, women, whatever) and spread hate towards other groups.
I was very lucky to grow up in the environment and places I did, and recognise that not everybody can be so lucky.
Best of luck and hope that you will be able to make those connections that allow you express your feelings ❤️ Emotions are human.
I struggle on two fronts with this - I don’t want to “burden” others with how I feel, and fairly often I don’t know what I feel.
Grew up in the American Midwest as a preacher’s kid. My parents are awesome people, but Dad’s job meant our family had to seem close to perfect for small town political reasons - we had their support for any kind of crisis, but we had to keep it inside the house so our single limited income wasn’t threatened.
Between that and a family full of neurospiciness, it felt like we were always on the edge of catastrophe. I was generally able to get by day to day, so I just kept quiet so we all had room to deal with whatever else needs handled.
So, I think I got in the habit of bottling things until I couldn’t even tell what I was feeling, and also developed an aversion to sharing what I could tell was bothering me. I’m open to the idea of sharing things, I just can’t often tell what needs shared until it pops out unexpectedly.
I was a bit better at it when I was younger, but time has beaten me enough that’s it’s really hard now, even with my wife and kid.
No. I keep pretty much everything to myself. I am convinced that no good can come of me expressing any of my emotions. I need to be a rock. I allow myself a few minutes of crying when a relative dies.
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I’m an autistic male and for me expressing myself in general is a bit awkward. During tough times I really liked expressing it to my friends and siblings since it’s a decent way to process the feelings.
Men and women lie when they say they want you to express yourself more. Whether they intend to or not, they get angry or sad about you burdening them with knowledge of your own experiences. Many will atore away anything you confide with them, so they can use it against you further down the line.
Sometimes people act like they’re helping but it means they just bring up your problem again and again and confuse you as to what you really want to do about it. This could absolutely be done on accident, in an eagerness to help, but i also see it done deliberatrly by a few, just to pester people
No. It’s not acceptable at all to have feelings. No one will care in a positive way if you do as a man.
There is no acceptable outlets for emotion as a man.
This is way weird political shit gets so much traction as it is considered to be acceptable to be angry at idea you don’t agree with,hate an opponent or other and you are allowed to be happy at the pain you bring them.
Everything else is shut up you don’t know how good you have it or shut up you don’t know how much worse it is for someone else.
I say whatever the fuck because I’m comfortable with myself.
