“If you enter a room it feels like someone was leaving” - but in an ironic way.

I got told I sound like Dukie from “Adventures of the Gummi Bears”.

“Edomite!”

I was getting onto a bus, someone looked me over and spat out the word. It was clear from the tone that it was an insult, but it also sounded suspiciously bronze age, so I was very excited to find out what it meant.

Turns out it’s a biblical reference used by some black nationalist groups in the US to refer to white people as unclean or diseased. Edom was one of several late bronze age Canaanite kingdoms. At one point the torah describes them as slightly paler and dirty, hence the insult.

The human equivalent of drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth.
That or smooth brain.

Toxic polyamory situation. A partner I lived with and was once very in love with fell away when she got interested in someone new. It was messy and shitty. I wound up dating someone new, who I had a great relationship with, and it was very physical. But I still lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with my ex.

My ex was a bit weird. She sort of viewed relationships as whatever things with no boundaries. Folks just do whatever they want in the moment and there’s no fidelity according to her. (Things I learned after I fell in love with her. Woof.) She also had intoned a few times that my new partner was a slut, which was sort of funny, given that my new partner had a pretty strong moral code.

My ex got a little less interested in her new guy, and tried to seduce me one night. And I rejected her. We had officially ended things, and I did not want to revisit that.
My ex sneered at me. “Fine. I hope you’re happy with [New Partner], and I hope [NP] is happy with you and your… magical penis!”

She practically spat that out at me, and… yeah. It was as funny then as it is now.

And for the record, it’s not magical. I just like to put top hats and little capes on it sometimes.

“Your opinion matters as much as anne franks drum set”

Not said to me but someone I know, “you’re a lanky string of piss”.

That I’m a gay n word. Like, I am neither so what’s up with that? He quickly biked off and I couldn’t get him to clarify.

My grandmother called me a braindead bastard once when i was like…9

Neither of those adjectives were applicaple to me considering i was in the gifted courses in school and her son is my father who had already married my mother when they had me

I told a cousin once I wasn’t going to be lectured on morality by a woman whose sole contribution to society was how much money she could spend at a liquor store. That whole post I wrote was honestly, according to my brother, some of the best criticism he’s read, quote, “You called her a lush without ever actually using the word, while also going up one side of her and down the other, saying everything the rest of us wanted to.” That cousin, to this day, will not interact with me at family gatherings.

I also once threw shitty advice I was given back into my boss’s face in my resignation text, to the point where he mentioned it felt “personal” when he called me to try to get me to stay. That was the resignation friends/family told me I should be a writer because, “You have a knack for telling people to go fuck themselves in a way where they thank you afterwards.”

My go to, though, when someone insults me is to usually respond, “I’ve been called worse by better.”

“You fucking Alaskan!”

I laughed uncontrollably for several minutes after receiving this compliment. Wrong continent, buddy.

“Look at you! You’re scrawny, you’re an alcoholic, if you didn’t have such a big dick you wouldn’t be worth nothing!”

I, uh…

I like “mouth breather” from Stranger Things it has the right sound and pacing to make a good insult but doubles back as a wtf thinker moment. In an emo moment where the person wants to auto respond to everything in argument, it is funny to manipulatively force them to deny it, then call them out on how stupid they are for saying they do not breathe.

I got called “Mr. Left Face” once.

Kill yourself sound so weird to me